365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
352. You know you’ll be ready to die when:
I have to admit when the random number generator came up with this prompt, I almost bypassed it to get a new one. This seemed like a pretty depressing topic to write about. However, sticking with the true nature of this challenge, I went ahead and kept the prompt and will work through the uncomfortableness of the topic.
I suppose if I had to come up with a basic ending to this sentence it would be that I will know I’m ready to die when I start to become a burden on others. Which leads to the much more scary and upsetting reality that I am not really sure if there will be any “others” around to burden when I get old. As I’ve mentioned before, I was never able to have children. I’m sure there are people out there with children that wonder if their kids will take care of them when they are old, but for the most part, I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that as you grow old and start needing assistance, people assume their children will be there to help. Since the majority of the population have children, it’s probably tough for most to imagine that there are some of us that have to worry about growing old and dying alone.
To put things into perspective, my husband is 11 years older than I am. Although we can never really be sure what life has in store for us, the chances that I will be left to grow old alone is a reality. My husband has children, but I would not say we are close. At least not close enough to feel they would want to take care of me when I was old, or even be around when I pass. We current all exist together for the sake of my husband. Although I don’t think they “dislike” me (at least not anymore.. there was a time they did), I don’t think they consider me a part of the family by any means. If we did not have the common bond of my husband, I don’t imagine we would have any relationship at all.
It is terrifying to me to think about growing older and being completely alone. I imagine having no one to call for help when I need it, or to have anyone at my bedside when I pass and of course that makes me sad, but it is also just down right scary. No one wants to die alone.
Which makes me wonder what is worse… being a burden on those as you get older, or not having anyone around to burden.
I could also say that I will know I’ll be ready to die once I’ve accomplished everything on my bucket list. However, that would require me to actually have a bucket list. I have many things floating around in my head that I want to see and do. I suppose it would not hurt to get them all written down someplace and start checking them off. It’s amazing to me how fast time goes, so it’s never to early to start getting those “must-do’s” done while there is time.
This topic brings up a lot of underlying anxieties for me. I envy those that do not fear death. I am not one of those people. Death is something I try to avoid thinking about, which is why I was so reluctant to write about it. It is however true that when forced to think about such things, it also forces you to realize what little time we have and how it is important to not “putting off until tomorrow”. On that note, I will end this with a quote by John Henry Cardinal Newman. “Fear not that life will come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning”.