My Story: 365 day blog challenge Day 26

365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
Day 26
343.  What word describes what you’re searching for?

The word that best describes what I am searching for is peace.  The definition of peace is “freedom from disturbance; tranquility”.  I am not really sure if I’ve ever had a moment in my life when I can honestly say that my mind has been at peace.  Thinking back on my life, even as a young child, I have never been free of that struggle with internal disturbance.

two person holding white and green peace wreath
Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on

I spend so much of my life in a state of constant worry, fear, anxiety and uneasiness.  I am ready for the time when I can find internal peace and contentment.  I know that someone who suffers from such extreme anxiety probably will never get to that place where they have 100% at peace.  Actually, I’m not sure if anyone could be that way 100% of the time.  I think everyone has their ups and downs.  I’m just looking to try and shift the percentages so that peace outweighs the percentage of time that I feel distressed.

What I find so intriguing is that I really have no reason at this stage in my life to not feel at peace.  I have a good job.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have family that I love and care deeply about and I have great friends.  I no longer have to live in constant defense mode like I did when I was a child.  Yet, I cannot seem to slip away from that state of fear and anxiety that my mind has grown so accustomed to.  Is it just a habit now?  A repeated action that has now just become a part of who I am?

I wonder how you would go about freeing yourself of internal disturbance.  I’ve tried counseling and therapy.  Neither of which were successful for me.  Some say that talking through your internal struggles helps to elevate them.  For me, it does the opposite.  I’ve always been that type of person to hold everything inside and rarely (sometimes never) do I share what is going on in the deepest parts of my mind and soul.  So, when I’ve tried therapy, it would often trigger even more anxiety because I simply was not used to verbally sharing my experiences.  If I don’t share these things with my closest friends and family, why would telling them all to a stranger be beneficial to me?

Peace….  it is such a calming word…..and calm is what I need most in my life.  I’ve heard that sometime clearing your mental clutter by writing things down can help achieve a more peaceful state of mind.  Maybe that is what drew me to this 365 day blog challenge.  It is forcing me to answer questions about myself and my state of being that I probably would be ignoring otherwise.  So CHEERS to this 365 day blog challenge.  Here is hoping that it brings me even a small amount of peace.

woman riding big swing in front of waterfalls
Photo by Artem Bali on

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