My Story: 365 day blog challenge Day 21

365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
Day 21
258. What are some events that happened in your life that you wish you could relive or erase?

I wonder if there is a person that exists that hasn’t considered this question!  If asked, I would imagine almost all adults would be able to say that there was SOMETHING in their life they wish they could erase or go back and do differently.

For me, the list of things I wish I could erase is pretty large. Way to many things for just one blog post.  It is hard not to think about how life would be different if that one event could be erased.  The problem is, everything that has happened to me in my life has lead me to the place I am right now.  To erase any of the negative things could easily change the course of events that lead me to some of the most positive things in my life.  So it’s a much deeper question then one might imagine.

There is no doubt that I would erase the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I can only imagine I would be a completely different person internally had that never had happened.  Who knows if that was a cause of my being the very introverted and horribly shy person I became.  Would I not experience so much of the anxiety that plagues me daily had that never happened to me?  I’ve been told by some therapists that my anxiety could easily be triggered by the need for control… control that I clearly did not have as a child while this was happening.  Regardless if I would have still ended up being a shy and introverted person or if it would have completely changed my personality, I would erase this from my life without a doubt.  The emotional and even physical pain it caused me as a little girl that has carried throughout my entire life would be an incredible thing to erase.  No little girl of age 4 should ever have to experience these pains.

sepia photography of girl in polka dot dress
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I’ve often thought that it would be great if I could erase some of my past relationships (specifically ex-husbands).   I’ve been married three times.  The first at age 17.  The second time when I was 27.  I finally after these two mistakes found the one person that I was meant to be with.  We have been together for over 15 years, but just married about a year and a half ago.  I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said there had not been times in the past where I wished both of those first two marriages could be erased as events from my life.  I have mixed emotions about that though.  Ultimately those relationships would help make me a stronger person when it came to understanding and knowing what I wanted in a spouse, so without those experiences, would I have ever been able to fully appreciate the happiness I have now?

relationship failure problem sad
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I’ve contemplated the other part of the question for a while now.  Is there any event in my life that I wish I could relive?  I cannot think of anything that would be worth reliving.  There have been some pretty fabulous events in my life, but I don’t feel that I would want to relive them.  I am happy with just living with the memories of them.

So, this question is a complex and complicated one.  It seems like it would be rather an easy question to answer, but the more you start thinking about how one change in your past would affect how other aspects of your life would also change, you have to wonder what would really be worth changing so you didn’t lose the good parts.

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