365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
102. You forgive__________ because…
In all honesty, I’m not all that great with forgiveness. I tend to hold on to things and hold grudges for long periods of time. If someone does something to me that requires forgiveness, chances are, if I did forgive, it most likely took a long time. This trait is not something I’m especially proud of, but it is something I have tried to work on over the years.
I guess if I had to pick one specific example of when I forgave someone, it was my first husband back when we were 20 years old. Although we married very young (I was 17), I was perfectly ready to be a wife and settle down into married life. He on the other hand was not at that stage of his life and ended up cheating on me. To say I was devastated would be a major understatement. The complete story is an ugly one. We actually had gotten into a big fight the night before the main event took place. It was a pretty major fight (looking back and knowing what I know now, it clearly was a provoked fight by him). I ended up leaving that evening and went to stay at my parents for the night. I went to work the next day as normal and headed home after work. It wasn’t like I had taken a suitcase or all of my stuff with me. It was pretty clear I was coming back. Yet, he decided to bring her over to our apartment. I actually walked in on them “cuddling” on the couch watching TV. At first I just walked past them into the bedroom and was going to get some clothes and leave. Then something happened in my brain. Something unexplainable that had never happened before and has never happened since. It was as if I became a completely different person. I was ready to fight. I went completely insane (some might think I am exaggerating, but this is literal.. I went insane). Up until this point, I had never been in a fight in my life. I had never hit another human being out of anger. Yet, something snapped in my head and I went into a complete rage. She luckily fled the house, so it was just him and I and I am not proud of my reaction, but I let him have it. He didn’t fight back. I guess even as an immature young man, he still understood he did wrong. Bottom line, it escalated to the cops coming. I never in a million years ever thought I would be someone who would have the cops come to my house because of a domestic dispute. The police ended up making them leave the apartment. By this time I had called my parents and they showed up with my brother and we ended up packing up the majority of the house and moved me out.
I spent DAYS not being able to leave my bed. I even ended up quieting my job because I could not function enough to make myself get up and go to work. Even when I was emotionally strong enough to get out of bed, I rarely stopped crying for weeks. I barely ate and I took sleeping pills all day and night because the only time I wasn’t in pain was when I was sleeping.
After several months of repeated phone calls and many attempts from him to apologize, I forgave him. I would say that this was a stupid mistake, since we ended up breaking up within the few years, but I still think this was a good thing for me. The few years we were together after the affair helped me realize that this relationship was not working. It was much easier when we ended things amicably. Although it was tough, I was not in the immense pain I was when we broke up from the cheating. I guess the few years back together gave me time to get the closure I needed.
Even all of these years later, I still run into him. I hold no animosity or anger towards him. Not just because it was over 20 years ago, but also because I believe for one of the few times in my life I really did forgive. Forgiveness is very important for self peace. I wish it came easier for me. I wish I could forgive more often so I could have more internal peace and not hold on to so much baggage. It’s a work in progress….