365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
219. If you could write a book, what would it be about?
I have always thought it would be great to write a book about my life. I’m sure it would not top the list of best sellers, but I think I’ve had some experiences in my lifetime that might warrant putting down on paper. If for no other reason then to document all the things I have been through and all the experience I have had. I think most people probably wish they could tell the story of their life. Most, like myself, also probably think their story is worthy of telling.
There are many aspects of my life that most people, even those closest to me do not know. I think that maybe if people were to read about my life and the things that I have experienced, maybe they would understand me a little better. Things that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable sharing verbally could be shared in the written form. I find that my thoughts and feelings are not just easier to share in writing, but I am also able to express better what I am trying to relay. When I try and verbally express myself, I tend to get off track and forget important aspects about what I wanted to share. When I write, the words tend to flow much smoother and express more clearly what my heart is trying to say.
My life experiences started rather early. While others were playing with their dolls, I was only 3 when the sexual abuse started. It lasted for at least 4-5 years. The last my memory recalls I was 8 when it ended. I had a rough and yet a great childhood. I never told anyone what was happening until I was much older. Even then I only told a small handful of people. I never shared this information with my parents as the abuser was a family member. Still to this day they do not know. I have no intentions of ever sharing with them what happened. I was never one to play the victim, however, I do think that holding this information inside for so many years has been a trigger to my anxiety and OCD issues. In therapy I learned that my need to have control with everything around me most likely stems from my lack of control as a young child.
This experience was the opener for so many crazy life directions. I had many relationships throughout my teenage and young adult life. I believe I was desperately searching to understand the link between sex and love.
I married very young at age 17. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and start an “adult” life with my new husband. Within just a few years, he cheated on me. I walked in and found them together. Even with my past childhood experiences, I would say that this was still the most devastating thing that I had gone through up to that date. I completely shut down both physically and mentally.
My life got more “Jerry Springer” shortly after when my now x-husband was arrested and went to prison. He eventually got out and my parents let him move into their house. He ended up sleeping with my brothers girlfriend who was also living at my parents while my brother was away in the Navy. Did I mention my x-husband was also my brothers (former) best friend?
As that relationship fizzled, I ended up meeting and falling in love with a man I would never be able to be with. The love was real and I remained heartbroken over that situation for most of my adult life. Even after marrying my 2nd husband.
My 2nd husband was actually my high school sweetheart who I just happen to hook up with many years later. Again, I was desperately trying to find love, so we married. Sadly, on the day of the wedding I knew I didn’t want to marry him, but went through with it anyway.
So many life experiences between the end of my 2nd marriage and my current life. I finally meet the one that I was destined to be with, but it took lots of searching, lots of heartache and lots of testing my inner strength.
This is just such a small amount of what my life has thrown at me so far. I can imagine I could probably fill a whole book with all the other details of this ever challenging life. Maybe someday when I retire and have time, I’ll sit down and write my memoirs. That could be just the therapy I need.