365 Day Blog Post Challenge 2019
276. I wish I were less…..
Today’s topic is an easy one for me. I wish I were less….. The continuation of this sentence has been the same for me for many years. It is simply that I wish I were less afraid. I didn’t spend my whole life living in fear. Although I have had anxiety since I was a young girl, it wasn’t until about the last 10 years that on top of the anxiety now resides a tremendous amount of fear. I live in the world of “what ifs”. What if we are out driving and the car breaks down? What if the weather is really bad outside and I have to drive? What if we go on vacation and the cat gets sick? What if I am speaking in front of a group and I say something stupid or what if someone asks me a question I cannot answer? These things may sound silly, but these are the things that go through my mind. Sometimes these “what ifs” will cause me anxiety WEEKS before an event is even going to happen. For instance, if we are going to have to drive someplace for an event, I will watch the weather for a week prior. If it shows rain or any type of bad weather, I will obsessively worry about going to that event for the entire week. This “what if” mentality has become almost a daily issue for me and that makes me sad.
Life was not always like this. I remember when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, I was never this afraid. I didn’t worry about things like my car breaking down or driving long distances late at night by myself. I used to often drive about 3 hours away from home up into the mountains to visit family. There were times I would leave their house at 10:00pm at night to drive home. Keeping in mind that this was before having a cell phone was a common thing. So, if something would have happened, I would have been deserted. However, I never worried about any of that. I was just out living life.
What changed? That I have yet to figure out. At some point in time, I went from having periodic anxiety attacks to living with obsessive worry and anxiety pretty much daily. This can often be life impacting. It is hard for me to enjoy things like preparing for a vacation (because I am so busy going through all the “what ifs” in my mind). It is hard for me to do anything spontaneously. One of the best ways I know to deal with this type of fear and anxiety is to always be fully prepared prior to doing anything. That being said, even when I do fully prepare myself and have everything planned to ease the anxiety, things do not always go as planned. Any change in routine or schedule often will trigger me.
So, as I said, this was an easy one for me. I truly just wish I was less afraid of living.